The truth is, I’m hurting on the inside right now. And I won’t let anyone else know because I wonder, should anyone else know? Why should I share my burdens, my thoughts to those who’ll think about them for a second and go on with their own lives the next.

What’s even more maddening is that I’m hurting from something so insignificant and almost child like. Maybe I’m just over thinking everything? Maybe I’m hurting right now not because of what hurts but because it’s self inflicted. I don’t know but it’s hard putting on a smile for others to see while suffering on the inside. Help God! I pray that you really clear my thoughts and show me what my next step is.

The Rough Stretch

‘Second year has been tough on me.’ That’s the first thing I would say if asked the question ‘How is school going?’ I have 3 exams next week, just finished one exam today and I feel so beaten down and pushed around by school work, my own self infliction, and society’s expectations.

Earlier this week I wrote a post on my tumblr about how I shouldn’t and wouldn’t complain about how life is not so easy for me right now but I can’t help it. Honestly I want to escape this place right now and witness the real world and see how hard others have it. And although I know how hard the homeless, the disabled, and the other unfortunates have it, I’m still struggling to get by every day with a smile. Like I’ve said before, I’ve been taking to much for granted but to just see everything from point blank crumbling in comparison to my own wants is disconcerting. It’s like I know what my problem is; it’s just hard to get around it or better yet fix it. I pray that I lean on God through these trials.

 

Hey.. I’m Back/ Thoughts On Who’s Close

I haven’t been on my wordpress for a while.. I completely abandoned it and found myself emerged in the world of tumblr and its ‘micro blogging’. Truth be told, I can’t be honest with myself on tumblr when writing a post. I’m not insinuating that my posts on tumblr are all lies.. no they’re all true.. but I can’t reveal everything I want to reveal in it. I think wordpress is perfect as a private/more personal blog I hold to myself. I realize this blog is out in the open for anyone to read at any time but honestly.. I haven’t used this in such a while no one checks up on this blog anymore.. so if you do stumble across my wordpress, please keep this blog to yourself! I don’t mind you reading my posts but I don’t want it advertised as well unlike my tumblr.

I’ve really been struggling with the way I interact with my friends. The best way to describe it is, I’ve been restraining myself intentionally? I’ve taken a good look at a lot of the friendships I thought were close and I think I’ve over valued almost all of them. To describe this thought more coherently and simply, I’ve considered people a better friend than the friend they consider me. To someone else I feel like I might be considered just another one out of hundreds of friends where as to me I consider that same person a friend I am always willing to talk to and be there for.

I think its my fault for the way I’ve arranged my friends. I’ve always had alot of friends on the outside circle and just a couple in my inner circle of ‘close friends’. I think I’ve moved away from that in college and I’ve tried to put too many people in that inner circle even if they didn’t consider me as close. I think I just got too excited about making many ‘lifelong’ and ‘close’ friends in college that I just started considering everyone a close friend of mine even though.. they aren’t. There’s no doubt that I’ve spent a lot of time with many of these friends so sometimes I can’t help but ask myself, why not? I think the answer lies in the thought, ‘would that friend do the same things you would do for him/her?’ Sad to say it’s hard to say yes often. Outside of maybe three or four people I can’t say ‘__X__ is a close friend of mine!’ I think it’s really brought me down as of late and I’ve simply been a bit lost in what to do and how to interact. Of course its easy to say ‘why can’t you become close with that person? You should put the effort into making friendships closer rather than accepting the distance that exists!’, but the concept of mutual sentiments is one that is important to me. I’m not going to make the effort into working a friendship to one that is valued and considered close unless you’re right there with me. If I’m just another friend that is talked to when you’re bored or even no longer really keep in touch with, I guess I’ll just accept that and walk away. I think know that people who are important to me are the ones who make the effort to be in it. I’ve got to accept that not everyone can be your good/close friends as much as you want them to be. Friends come and go and I think what’s important is that you cherish the ones that want to be there for you and are right there with you.

I pray that God really provides me with an answer and really changes my perspective on all this to one that He deems is right.

Starting Over Again.. but not from scratch

The last time I blogged on wordpress regarding my personal life here on campus must’ve been more than a month ago. I mean I’ve had small posts about Christmas and New Years but other than that it’s been a while since I’ve blogged. I promised to blog once spring semester comes so here it is! My first day has just passed and now I’m getting ready for day two! In the meantime I’ll fill you in with what’s been going on.. My winter break mostly consisted of F.A.T. which is Facebook Aim Tumblr.. (oh yeah I made a tumblr, check it out at dhlee.tumblr.com) so yea I was one big bum over break. Christmas and New Years was spent well with the family and I was able to appreciate the time I had with them. One crucial downside to break was my snowboard getting stolen… Yup I went to Wintergreen with a couple of other UVa first year friends and it got stolen there. But I look back and I say to myself, so many worse things could’ve happened; someone could’ve gotten hurt, accidents could have occurred and I realize I would trade my snowboard in every single time for the safety of my friends and just having them kept together. Yup this was my winterbreak and now on to spring semester!

Spring semester is crucial for me especially because I struggled my first semester. I look back and I never want to leave regrets but I definitely ended up doing that my first semester. I started off strong but I went through a gradual decline to the point where I started just playing monopoly deal during the all nighters pulled at the library… I need to step up my game like forreals haha.. but enough about grades, more importantly I feel like I’ve been so shelled and ‘closed in’ in a sense. Outside of my closest friends at school I don’t really open up to others and I really need to start doing that. I need to just sit down and eat a meal with them, talk to them about how school’s going and get to know them better. You only get one shot to do it by coming to college and its a chance I don’t want to lose. Another thing I want to achieve is to find a passion for something. Something I just love doing whether it be writing, learning a new instrument, learning a new sport (maybe get better at soccer?) haha whatever it is I want to just dedicate myself to something new and become more well rounded as a person! Man.. I have so many things I want to achieve this semester and ultimately I pray to God that my friends and I are simply kept safe and that we all grow closer to one another. Good luck with spring semester 2011 everyone!

Bye 2010; Hello 2011

Can you believe it? We’re already at that time of year where we say goodbye to this year and welcome a new one. Time has really flown and because it seems like this year has gone by so fast, I want to take the time to just reflect on this year and everything that has happened.

2010 was a ‘coming of age’ year for me I guess. I got into college, I graduated high school, I turned 18 and what not. I haven’t really taken the time until now to really just take a deep breath and just think about the significance of this year and all the cherished memories I’ve made during this time. From college apps (this was not a cherished memory actually) to the acceptance of college to the first day of college, I’m starting to realize how significant 2010 was to my life and how this year came to shape my future for the next couple or maybe the next several years. Haha in fact the memories are just now flooding in to my thoughts. It’s strange because I remember all that’s happened but they seem not so long ago, as if they would follow me around to 2011 and not just have taken place in 2010, ya know what I mean? Haha maybe not but I guess the gist of what I’m trying to say is that the memories I’ve made in 2010 won’t just ‘stay’ in 2010 but will be ones that I carry around with me for a loong time.. I wish I could list my favorite moments or experiences but I can’t as much as I want too.. in fact, now that I think about it, I’m glad that I’m not able to. It just comes to show that sooo much has gone on, so much is there to be cherished for it’s own reason, and even the smallest details to every memory have resulted in me going down this road that God will hopefully guide me through. I should thank God each and every day for bringing me to where I am now, for leading me to the people I would have never met anywhere else and for taking care of me through the midst of my struggles. Thanks God, you’re the best. So what are my final thoughts on 2010? Yeah 2010 wasn’t the perfect year, things didn’t go as I thought it would’ve gone or I should say as I would’ve liked it to go but nevertheless 2010 was a special year and one that I will value maybe more so than the others..

Happy New Years everyone and bring out 2011!!! I’ve got a good feeling about this new year

Its the most wonderful time of the year

Hey guys, I know I said in my previous post that I won’t be blogging until the start of second semester but I just had some things I wanted to get out and say so here I am during Christmas time! Its actually about a hour before the clock strikes 12 and Christmas is here but early Merry Christmas! Wow this truly is the most wonderful time of the year as its a time you spend with your family and friends just celebrating the true meaning of Christmas, Christ’s birth. For me personally, this and New Year’s, which is shortly coming up, are my most favorite times of the year because there’s just something magical about this time of the year. Whether it be the time full of joy and laughter with family and friends, the food, the Christmas movies, or the carols, Christ’s birthday is always special and has that extra something that puts everyone in good spirits.

This year, Christmas has been somewhat different for me. It’s my first time celebrating this time after having come back from college and I guess there’s been alot on my mind as well. I’m pretty disappointed about my poor effort in school first semester and I have other thoughts that are kind of burdening me as well. I guess as a result of all this, I haven’t been able to fully appreciate this break and I’ve kind of lost sight of what this time of the season is all about. The truth is, I don’t have to place all my worries into my grades, and the other things I worry about because they’re all in God’s hands. I just have to place my trust in him and just let him do his thang, you know what im sayin’? Haha in the midst of all my worries, I’ve forgotten that this time isn’t about getting everything you want or wish for but appreciating what you already have and just celebrating Jesus’ birthday. So everybody, enjoy this magical time of the year, get rid of your worries, and just feel free to celebrate with those you love cause it’s really what we should be doing on Jesus’ birthday, December 25th. Merry Christmas everyone!

The end of a beginning….

I have two more finals left and then that’s it; the end of the first semester is here.. Wow what can I say, so much has happened in such little time.. I guess one thing that has been constant has been God and him always blessing and providing for me.. Words can’t explain how much his plan for me in college has been perfect.. I came into college with too many doubts as to what I would be doing and where I would be as well as who my friends would be. Now looking back, all those doubts and questions I had were pretty insignificant haha.. He’s led me to a great on campus ministry in GCF and as a result I’ve met friends who I can call me closest on campus. School has been tough but nevertheless God has helped me to manage daily and has kept me safe. I’m really grateful for this first semester and I pray my second semester goes well for me too.

Reflecting back on this semester what am I left thinking with? I look back and I realize in just a short span of time, I’ve really settled in and have become so comfortable with this environment at UVa, maybe too comfortable. Sometimes I realize that I don’t appreciate how beautiful the campus actually is and that it’s become routine for me to just pass by all the buildings, the sight of the lawn and the rotunda at the end of it and the foliage while walking around campus.. I remember Joon Ho the fourth year who drove me and my friends to servants retreat saying that as he approaches the end of his stay at UVa, he’s already nostalgic regarding the sights of the campus and the beauty the university has to offer.. I’m going to try to make every walk on campus one that I enjoy and appreciate because even though I tell myself that I have 4 more years to do that, 4 years can come seriously in just one blink of an eye..

What else am I left thinking? Hmm.. I guess already in college my friends have kind of changed not in the high school sense in which you become enemies with former friends. I’m still friends with everyone I’ve become friends with, I’ve just shifted who I consider my closest friends and who I spend most of the day with. Regardless, the bronas bros have been the constant in friendship and I guarantee it will stay that way until.. I don’t know haha.. for a long time?

I guess the last thing that’s got me thinking is as a guy, girls.. I mean I’m pretty sure every guy in college thinks about girls and who they’re going to ‘try to’ with haha.. I guess for me it’s kind of been different. I was in a relationship until around Thanksgiving break in which my girlfriend and I broke up and now I don’t know what to think. I’m glad that my girlfriend and I broke and I don’t mean that as an attack to my girlfriend, in fact she was more than any guy could ask for and she put up with my flaws; I just think it was best we moved on. Now being single I ask myself, is to soon to like a girl already? If I already like another girl is it because I just recently broke up and I want a new girlfriend or is it because I genuinely like her for who she is? This is something I’m going to have to deal with on my own and hopefully God will be there to support me and ‘show me the way’.

Haha this was a long post but I guess it was worth writing because I won’t be writing one till the second semester comes, so peace everyone and I hope you have a blessed break and winter with your family, friends, and anyone else you love! God bless

Sleepless Nights..

I should either be sleeping or studying for my final today right now but I’ve decided to write on my blog instead.. Aww yea blog yea! Haha I’m really out of it and I’ve been out of it the past couple of days. I guess that’s the price you pay for procrastinating waay too much and pulling all nighters to make up for the wasted time. I really don’t know the purpose of this post but I just wanted to get the point across that I’m really tired and that I’m not myself right now haha..

Thoughts on the day

Hey guys, whats up! I feel like I’ve been posting a lot more often and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not o_0.. haha I doubt I can consistently post this often so I guess it’s an on and off thing. I hope everybody is surviving finals weeks the worst two week stretch of college.  For those of you who are struggling, just find some time to relax and relieve your stress in the midst of all these hectic and busy schedules. For me, this week has been the all nighter week haha. I’ve been trying to study all day and night and while at first it was going extremely well, I’m now starting to lose focus and lose sight of what I’m trying to achieve. I guess the quick lesson I learned is that how hard you work is the result of your motivation and how authentic and genuine that motivation is. If you’re goal is to just get an A in that class, you’re motivation could die down fast like how mine did.. The key I guess is to realize that all this studying contributes to your future and that you glorify God in everything you do.. But in real talk, that might be probably in the back of my mind so.. haha.. it shouldn’t be though haha! Anyways, I hope you guys are all trying your bests and keeping your chins up! Good luck and God bless

Ideal?

Double Post today! Haha I guess I’m just not ready to start studying again so I’ll just write more. Based on my previous post about how you will eventually meet your perfect person provided by God, I thought to myself of my what my ideal girl would be. Haha I know this is kinda childish (or is it..?) but it seems fun since I don’t have a set list already of the characteristics I consider ideal. I guess I’ll find out as I write

1)  My ideal girl would be someone who laughs alot. This is important to me because I want a girl who is able to be cheery and never ‘down in the dumps’ to often.

2) My ideal girl would be someone care free in a sense, and confident. I just find girls who are able to rock the sweat pants, t-shirt or camis and having their hair tied up with minimal makeup up so so soooo attractive. This shows that their confident in their appearance and that they don’t really care what others think about the way their dressed because they know that when they actually try to dress up they stand out from like a mile away. This isn’t the same as being cocky by the way, it’s more like silent confidence.

3) My ideal girl would be outgoing. What I mean by outgoing is a girl who isn’t too shy or doesn’t get caught up wondering if that guy likes her or not. If she likes him, shes straight up about it and lets that guy know that too. If the guy doesn’t make his move after she let him know, she could care less because its his loss.

4) My ideal girl would be a devoted Christian who lives life for Christ. To me, this is the most important trait in a girl for me. We all go through our ups and downs in life and I want a girl who is able to keep me strong during those times while I do my best for her too.

5) My ideal girl would be ambitious and non superficial. I want a girl who absolutely refuses to be a house wife because she knows she can do so much more than that. I also want a girl who talks less about the latest fashion, or celerity gossip and more about the toughest part of her day, what made her happy today, and what really got her thinking. I’d rather much listen to and respond to those things than “OMG those new shoes” or “OMG they broke up”

6) Last and maybe least haha I would like a girl who is pretty.. HAHA that sounds so shallow but all girls are pretty in different ways and I would like my girl to be pretty in a way that I find attractive